Utilitarianism

Introduction
Created by Jeremy Bentham and Mill Snr. as an ethical theory promoting pleasure as the ultimate goodness, whereby all actions should be angled to provide the greatest happiness to the greatest number of people.

This was then expanded upon by Mill’s purpose-built android son (codename John Stuart) who was designed and created to further their utilitarian cause, at the cost of John’s humanity.

The Hedonic Calculus
An apparatus created by the said two Jedi masters of the Utilitarian order, in order to calculate the action that should be taken in a given circumstance that would promote the greatest happiness. This calculus could be accessed by hacking an ordinary graphical calculator and inputting the following sequence: [UP, UP, UP, LEFT, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, UP, UP, UP, LEFT, RIGHT. A.] On the off chance that a B. is inputted instead of the final A. your graphical calculator may be overwritten by the text of the Necronomicon, take care when inputting the code.

The Hedonic (or felicific) calculus features 7 variables, which Bentham calls circumstances. These variables are: The two legendary sensei of the Utilitarian cause say that every potentially morally problematic situation we find ourselves in must consult the hedonic calculus in order to find out which action will create the greatest happiness.
 * 1) Intensity - How strong is the pleasure/pain?
 * 2) Duration - How long is the pleasure/pain going to last?
 * 3) Certainty - How likely or unlikely is it that the pleasure/pain will occur?
 * 4) Propinquity - How soon will the pleasure/pain occur, next Tuesday or 12 years and 37 days from now?
 * 5) Fecundity - The probability that the pleasure/pain will lead to other pleasures/pains.
 * 6) Purity - The probability that it won't be followed by sensations of the opposite kind *wink*.
 * 7) Extent - How many people will be effected - Examples here include 9/11, Hiroshima and on the opposite side, David Cameron's funeral.

Higher and lower pleasures
While Bentham argues that all pleasure is equal, famously saying "poetry is as good as Grand Theft Auto", Mill firmly disagreed. Mill argues that there exist higher pleasures - things that require that you use your rational capabilities, thinking activities like debate, poetry and playing Scrabble. He says these should be worth more than lower pleasures - non-thinking activities based around your animalistic pleasures, like sex, action games and eating chocolate.

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